


If only you could be what you pretend you are

by myyueliang



Series: soon it gets better [3]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, High School, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, Slow Burn, character death isn't for either mc, the mina and mark thing is literally temporary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28739763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myyueliang/pseuds/myyueliang
Summary: The third unspoken rule of the Lee family: everything was okay.But everything wasn’t okay, it never was.Mark may be part of the Lee family, but he had only ever been good at pretending everything was okay outside of the fancy house he lived in.Everything was not okay.(In which Mark slowly learns to stops hating himself so much)
Relationships: (one sided), Kang Mina/Mark Lee (NCT), Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: soon it gets better [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025019
Comments: 21
Kudos: 78





	If only you could be what you pretend you are

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Rat by Penelope Scott  
> Can be read as a stand alone, but I recommend the other two first!!

-x-

“I wanna see the cherry blossoms on Sunday,” Said Mina offhandedly as she scrolled through her Instagram. “Chungha went there with Somi a few days ago, and the pictures were so cute.” She shoved her phone in his face, “Look! Isn’t it so freaking adorable? Oh my god Mark, we should match our outfits-“ 

Mark squinted at the image, “I can’t do Sunday. We have practice on Sunday, remember?” 

It was three o’clock, and he was waiting for his stupid meeting to start. He sat with Mina in the school’s left wing stairwell, arm around her shoulder like any affectionate boyfriend would. 

“I want it done soon though,” Pouted Mina. “I have to be able to say I did it before everyone else.” 

He resisted the urge to tell Mina that he couldn’t care less about whatever bragging rights they could get from seeing cherry blossoms of all things. Social hierarchy was a weird concept that he couldn’t quite figure out.

All he knew was two things.

One, while high school movies were full of exaggerated falls-from-grace, they were not wrong about just how easy the unravelling of someone’s pedestal could be. He had seen it happen again and again as their entire friend group turned their backs on one person for the stupidest of reasons. 

Two, as long as you play the part that everyone wanted to, everything will be fine.

(His brother’s circumstances would completely disagree but he wasn’t his brother).

“...And there’s this super cute cafe I want to go to too, and it’ll be so fun, I promise. Somi says it’s not worth it, but like Somi’s all Canadian and shit, so her tastes aren’t really that trustworthy, you know?”

Mark stopped spacing out for a moment, “There’s not really that much of a difference from here and Canada you know. Also, I’m pretty sure she moved here pretty early.”

“She still lives in a canadian household. Totally counts. Anyways, Sejeong wants to hang out tonight at the beach again, and I think almost the whole group is going to be there. Is Renjun coming? Some girl I know is kind of interested in him, and I wanna get her to owe me one.”

“Renjun is-” Busy boning Lucas in the locker rooms after basketball practice, “-busy.”

“Darn it.” Mina went back to idly scrolling through her phone and texting at least six different people at the same time. “Hey Mark I heard your little brother’s managed to fuck Zhong Chenle, is it true?”

Mark froze, he knew damn well Mina could feel him stiffen. He retracted his arm from around her shoulders quickly. “What the fuck?” 

He winced as the words left his mouth, “Shoot, I’m sorry, I was just surprised. What?”

Mina shrugged, “Jimin says he might be a faggot just like your brother. But like those are her words not mine. Anyways, Jeno’s not that much better. He’s so freaking hard to even talk to like he’s so repressed and for what reason?”

Mark didn’t say anything, just stare off in the air and awkwardly laugh.

“So? Like what’s his problem? All he does is study, like literally a few of my friends were like, talking about him. They’re all like, he’d be more approachable if he got rid of the edgelord thing he’s got going on. He’s like so emo but not in the hot way, you know?”

_It’d be nice if you shut up about how hot my brother is. None of you have the right to talk about him like he’s some asshole when he works harder than all of you combined. Seriously, the last thing he needs is a bunch of shallow idiots gossiping about how he could scale his hotness factor up. ___

__He didn’t say that though._ _

__“He’s not being an edgelord.”_ _

__“Then what is he? He’s got a total stick up his ass, it’s almost like he needs to get fucked.”_ _

__He stared at Mina for a moment as he wondered how the hell any of them arrived at this point. He met Mina back in elementary school, back when she was that girl who smiled a lot and always gave him a pencil when he forgot to bring one. Then it became the girl who had to stay at school for tutoring while he stayed for basketball, and they would both coincidentally walk home at the same time. And then it was the girl who stood in front of him with a box of chocolate on Valentine’s day with the shyest look on her face._ _

__He didn’t like her in the slightest, at least not in the way that she liked him._ _

__And now, sitting besides that once shy girl, he wondered what went wrong. How did she grow up to be someone he found so hard to love?_ _

__“He’s fine,” Said Mark flatly. “Can we not talk about Jeno please?”_ _

__“I was just asking, Mark. No need to get so defensive.”_ _

__Mark sighed, “I’ll reschedule practice, babe. I’ll take you to see the cherry blossoms. We can stop by Hongdae after, and I’ll buy you dinner. We can do the cafe Friday after school, sounds good?”_ _

__Mina beamed up at him, grabbing his face gently and kissing him. “Always my prince charming, Mark Lee. You’re the best boyfriend I could ever ask for.” She then quickly grabbed her phone, “Oh my god Somi’s going to be so jealous. She was all like, Mark’s busy, you’ll probably have to wait next week, and she was so annoying about it. Like she’s having relationship problems and she’s just sort of projecting, you know?”_ _

__“I’m sure they’re doing fine,” Reassured Mark despite the fact he saw Somi making out with some random person in the second floor bathroom last Tuesday (Lucas hosted a party after their victory in the prelims. It was boring as hell and Mark spent half of it looking after everyone else. The rest was all washed away from his memory by four games of beer pong)._ _

__He glanced at his phone for a moment, “I have to go. Student council duties. Meet me in the usual place and I’ll walk you home after?”_ _

__“You better.” Mina stood up, and pecked him on the lips quickly. “I gotta go too. Club activities, you know? See you!”_ _

__“Bye,” He smiled before forcing the words out. “I love you.”_ _

__She didn’t have the same problem, the words rolling off her tongue easily, “I love you too.”_ _

__-x-_ _

__Mark sat in the bathtub fully clothed as the water filled up around him._ _

__Everything wasn’t okay, it never was._ _

__He may be part of the Lee family, but he had only ever been good at pretending everything was okay outside of the fancy house he lived in._ _

__Because people forgot that despite everything, he was a lonely boy who needed his brother. His brother who tried so hard to pretend he didn’t hate him. People were so full of regret after Taeyong’s death, asking themselves just why did they assume everything was perfect, and why did they have to place such expectations on him? And yet they continued the same cycle with him._ _

__He was waiting for someone he idolized to love him, and it took years and years to finally sink in. His brother would never love him._ _

__“I just wanted my brother,” Muttered Mark brokenly. “I know I’m a horrible person, but was it really that hard to love me?”_ _

__The only answer he got was the sound of running water. His reflection rippled back up at him. He punched the water, if it was a mirror, he would’ve thrown it on the ground._ _

__He couldn’t even see himself without wanting to throw up._ _

__-x-_ _

__Mark walked into Jeno’s room and flopped down on Jeno’s bed with no regard to his brother. A new habit that he had slowly developed. “Mina,” He said without any explanation. Not that Jeno really needed one._ _

__Jeno snorted, “What’s it this time? Did you look at another girl in a slightly different way or something?”_ _

__“I don’t pay enough attention to her, apparently.”_ _

__“You don’t pay anyone enough attention. She’s not special. When’s the last time you even talked to Sungie?”_ _

__Mark sat up straight, the use of Jisung’s nickname did not escape him, nor did the way Jeno said it so easily. It stung a little. “I don’t know. He doesn’t want to talk to me though.”_ _

__(The last conversation he really had with Jisung was nights ago, in the hallway as he pretended he didn’t already hear all the rumours surrounding his little brother. The rest was bits and pieces of small talk that neither of them really cared about)._ _

__“That’s what I thought too. It took someone’s death for me to realize that he’s actually really simple to talk to. It’s kind of sad it took me years to realize that he’s a good kid, he’s just incredibly apathetic and socially stunted.”_ _

__Mark pulled his knees close to his chest as he tried to think of something to say._ _

__“I used to envy you a lot,” Said Jeno flippantly as he scribbled down a few notes. “But honestly, you seem the saddest out of all of us. Jisung got a friend now, and I’ve always had Jaemin. You’re surrounded by people you can barely even tolerate.”_ _

__“I know. My life’s sad.”_ _

__Jeno looked up, “I wouldn’t say that. I’d say the way you force yourself to live is sad. What the hell are you even trying to prove? Who are you even trying to prove it all to?”_ _

__(They both knew the answer to the first question, afterall he wasn’t the only one who spent his life chasing his approval)._ _

__“I don’t know, Jeno.”_ _

__“People would like you just as much if you stopped your act.”_ _

__“Figure it out soon. I don’t want you to end up playing some role to the point of…” He trailed off. It was obvious what he was referencing towards._ _

__“Look at you, all matured. You’re doing a lot better.”_ _

__Jeno glanced at him, “I’m only trying to be a less crappy person, Mark. I still have plenty of amends to make, especially with Nana. There’s nothing to congratulate here.”_ _

__Jeno Lee, always so matter-of-fact._ _

__Taeyong would’ve been proud of his improvement, thought Mark to himself. Jeno looked healthier, the bags under his eyes weren’t as visible as usual. And he was less grouchy all the time. On the occasion Mark passed him in the halls, he looked happier, and less ready to kill everything in his path._ _

__There was something incredibly human about him._ _

__-x-_ _

__“Hey president, Mr. Kim gave me the budget sheets for the year and I want to double check-“_ _

__He couldn’t focus. His mind hurt, and he wanted nothing more than to flip the world off. He took a deep breath and grabbed the papers from Seungmin with a smile, “I’ll give them to you tomorrow.”_ _

__“Mark! We have a game on Tuesday, can you make sure-“_ _

__Mark turned to the Varsity coach, the man popped his head into his class with an expectant look. He nodded, “Yeah I’ll remind everyone!”_ _

__“Hey Lee, can you help me with my shots after school? The coach said that-“_ _

__“I’m not as good as some of the other people on the team, you should ask Dejun. Or Donghyuck, actually. He's definitely the most accurate. Dejun’s better at teaching though. Up to you-”_ _

__“...you should take me out again soon, I wanna go to Lotte world-“_ _

__Mark smiled, “Of course babe.”_ _

__Mina smiled back, before she started rambling about dates that she was free, and all the things she wanted to do._ _

__He was tired. So damn tired of the world. He heard some classmate call his name, and like a puppet whose strings got yanked, he turned around and answered with a rehearsed smile, and a default answer. He couldn’t even keep track of where Mark Lee started, and this act of a more loveable person ended._ _

__He wished he was Jeno._ _

__(He snuck a glance at Jeno in the corner, sleeping soundly with his head in Jaemin’s lap. Jaemin beamed at him, waving quickly before looking back at his phone)._ _

__He slumped down a little, before forcing himself to sit up straight once again. He shoved another bite of his lunch into his mouth. This was supposed to be his hour off._ _

__“Hey class rep, the teacher says..”_ _

__He didn’t even need to listen to everything anymore, he had gotten good at knowing what the world wanted from him. He just nodded tiredly. “I'll photocopy some extras. Anything else, Chaewon?”_ _

__“Not class related, but I think Lucas is hosting a party tonight. You going?”_ _

__He turned to Mina, despite not giving a rat’s ass about her opinion. “You want to go?”_ _

__Mina answered for the two of them, “We’ll be there for sure. By the way Chae, how’s Haseul? Tell her the girls miss her!”_ _

__Mark zoned out as Chaewon leaned on Mina’s desk and the two of them rambled on and on about some girl (Mina mentioned Haseul a while back, saying something about how she hadn’t been to choir practice in a while)._ _

__“Mark! Can you grab that for me?” Asked some girl, pointing at a book up at the top shelf._ _

__He put his lunch aside and walked over, grabbing the book without an issue before returning to Mina’s side._ _

__“Hey Mark, what did you get on question four of the math homework? Can I check my answers with yours-“_ _

__He grabbed a sheet from his bag, “Yeah! I’m not sure about all of it though-“ He couldn’t even remember the name of whoever was asking him._ _

__“As if you’re ever wrong.”_ _

__He laughed along with his classmate._ _

__That’s when it occurred to him. He fucking hated everyone and their stupid expectations of him. And he hated himself so much for not really being the person that the world loved. They were suffocating him just like they did his brother, and he would inevitably crash and burn._ _

__Until then, until then he’ll-_ _

__“Mark, can you please help me with these boxes?” Asked their teacher as she stepped into the room._ _

__“Of course!”_ _

__-x-_ _

__The cherry blossoms were pretty. Pretty and useless. He picked one up and tucked it into Mina’s ear, a gentle smile on his face as he pretended to feel something for her._ _

__“You’re just as pretty.”_ _

__He wasn’t lying when he said that. Mina was pretty. One of the prettiest people he had ever met. Even in elementary school he had thought of her as pretty. He just wasn’t attracted to her type of pretty._ _

__(Or her at all)._ _

__She blushed, giggling like she was twelve all over again. “You think?”_ _

__He smiled even brighter, “I know. You’re the prettiest girl in the world, you know that?”_ _

__Girls in the movies always liked hearing that. People in general liked thinking they were the best among billions of other people. People liked feeling like they were the only person who mattered in the world._ _

__Mina was no exception._ _

__She grabbed him gently by his face, standing on her toes to kiss him. “I love it when you’re being sappy. God, I love you.”_ _

___It’s not me you love. ____ _

____“I love you too.”_ _ _ _

____He didn’t understand love. Never understood love, it was the gentle smiles his mother used to give him. It was the way Taeyong read Jisung bedtime stories until he fell asleep while Mark stuck his ear as close to the wall as he could, and pretended it was for him (Until his parents soundproofed the house, and he was left staring at the closet and hoping to god the monster wouldn’t come out tonight)._ _ _ _

____It was the way his brother used to look at Ten, every time he thought no one wasn’t looking. It was the way Jaemin gravitated towards his brother, and stuck by his side._ _ _ _

____It wasn’t whatever he felt when he looked at his girlfriend of so many goddamn years._ _ _ _

____Whoever believed in love was either an absolute idiot, or naive._ _ _ _

____Mina beamed at him, before grabbing him by the hand. “Come on, I wanna take photos over there, and then we can go, okay?”_ _ _ _

____Mark held out his hand for her phone like the dutiful boyfriend he was. He followed her to the pretty trees that she pointed to (Even if they looked just like every other tree to him), and he held up her phone and snapped as many pictures as he could._ _ _ _

____“Come over here, Mark. Take a selfie with me.” Mina waves him over with a smile. “Wait, give me the phone, I’m better at taking them.”_ _ _ _

____She played with filters for a moment before she held it up. “Smile!”_ _ _ _

____He smiled for the camera._ _ _ _

____(Just like all those other times by his father’s side, and the Christmas photos that they would take every year. All the family photos from vacations that seemed so perfect._ _ _ _

____All the other times, he would fake a smile too, and they believed him)._ _ _ _

____Mina grabbed her phone with a smile. She looked through the photos he had just taken quickly. “Thanks baby. Now come on, we’ve got places to go. And photos to take.”_ _ _ _

____“Wouldn’t want to miss any of that, would I?” He said jokingly. He intertwined their hands together. “I made us a reservation at six, by the way.”_ _ _ _

____“Always so thoughtful,” Teased Mina. “By the way my mom wants to have dinner with you again, she keeps going on and on about how much she misses her son in law. It’s getting so annoying, they love you so much.”_ _ _ _

____The world was already so sure that he would end up marrying Mina, just as sure as it was in Taeyong’s inevitable success._ _ _ _

____He laughed awkwardly, “I’ll try to see when I’m free.”_ _ _ _

____“You better,” Mina started to lead them towards the metro, rambling as she did. “Anyways, overbearing mother aside, I think we’re trying to hang out at the beach again, just a mini party you know? Felix is hosting, he’s back from his exchange trip and he wants to celebrate. God he’s gotten so tan.”_ _ _ _

____He already knew Felix was back. Felix ran into practice with the same wide smile and it was like he never left. He was still the same kind person, and he stayed up late to help Mark with the nets as he used to._ _ _ _

____“His basketball’s gotten better,” Was the only thing he said out loud. He didn’t know what else to really say about Felix to be honest._ _ _ _

____“Anyways, Somi broke up with her boyfriend, she’s probably going to look for a rebound there. She doesn’t seem too upset, but that’s just Somi.”_ _ _ _

____He just nodded._ _ _ _

____Mina continued on and on, occasionally prompting him to contribute with some comment of his own. She could always fill a room with her words, and it helped keep the voices away sometimes._ _ _ _

____Despite the cruelty that only teenagers were capable of in her voice, he knew one thing for sure. That no matter what she was talking about, as long as she rambled on and on, it made him feel less lonely._ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____Being home was painful._ _ _ _

____He didn’t know how Jeno and Jisung both did it for so long. Jeno didn’t like leaving the house much, unless it was for Jaemin, or for Ten._ _ _ _

____(Ten was Taeyong’s everything, and vice versa. And Ten always looked at him with such pain.)_ _ _ _

____Jisung and Chenle stared at him as he walked into the kitchen. Chenle quickly hid a bowl filled with god knows what behind his back. His little brother elbowed him with a scowl, muttering, “He’s not going to murder us for trying to bake.”_ _ _ _

____“He doesn’t know that neither of us have ever touched a stove in our lives,” Hissed Chenle. “And that neither of us have even cooked anything! We’re like the epitome of Toph Beifong and Zuko trying to cook.”_ _ _ _

____“Say that louder, won’t you,” Muttered Jisung darkly. “What’s next, telling him we’re making phallic shaped cookies to give to one of your friends?”_ _ _ _

____Chenle turned to Mark, “We aren’t making dick shaped cookies for Renjun, trust me. Scout’s honour. Also we’re not even sure they’ll be edible because-“_ _ _ _

____Mark stared at them, ignoring whatever three in the morning bullshit the two of them were up to. Even scowling, it was the happiest he’d ever see Jisung. There was a light in his eyes that hadn’t been there before, even when Taeyong was still alive._ _ _ _

____While Taeyong was still alive, home had been painful because every minute spent was another reminder that his family hated him._ _ _ _

____Jisung thought he was selfish, Jeno thought he was a coward, and Taeyong. Taeyong never liked being alone with him. And his parents could barely remember his birthday._ _ _ _

____It should’ve been him six feet under, not Taeyong who was so goddamn loved by everyone._ _ _ _

____And now, now home was painful because it was a reminder that everyone was happier without him. It felt like the rest of the world was moving around him while he was rooted to the ground._ _ _ _

____And Jisung was happy, so incredibly happy._ _ _ _

____Chenle was here, he reminded himself. Showtime wasn’t over. He smiled, “Don’t burn anything down please. I already have to argue with mother enough about other things.”_ _ _ _

____Jisung rolled his eyes, “I told you it’ll be alright.”_ _ _ _

____Chenle smiled, “Thanks, captain!”_ _ _ _

____Mark smiled back, they came so much more naturally than the dead eye smiles he gave himself in the mirror. “Have fun.”_ _ _ _

____For a moment, he didn’t care what the rest of the world had to say about Jisung and Chenle. They both seemed happier, and he hated how that wasn’t enough for the rest of the world._ _ _ _

____As he left, he heard Jisung whisper, “Who the fuck are Toph and Zuko?” Chenle’s offended gasp chased him down the halls._ _ _ _

____His heart ached once again._ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____He was drunk, drunk and stumbling home after he made sure Mina was safely strapped to the back of an Uber. He dialed a familiar number and waited._ _ _ _

____“Hello?” Asked Ten sleepily._ _ _ _

____“Why did he hate me so much,” Demanded Mark. “Please. I need to know. What was so goddamn bad about me? What did I do wrong.”_ _ _ _

____He heard rustling before he heard a heartbroken sigh. “He never hated you, Mark.”_ _ _ _

____“He avoided me. I was fucking twelve and even then I could understand perfectly well that he hated me. You know him better than everyone else, so please just tell me,” Pleaded Mark brokenly. He felt hot tears streaming down his face, the hand holding his phone was shaking and he wanted his brother so badly._ _ _ _

____“You’re drunk. Where are you right now? I’ll call a taxi for you.”_ _ _ _

____“Figures. You won’t tell me either.”_ _ _ _

____He hung up without another word, and stumbled against the nearest wall, hugging himself and shutting his eyes tight enough to imagine that it was his brother’s arms around him._ _ _ _

____(He used to do the same with his blanket, except it was back when he was a naive kid who still thought his parents could love him)._ _ _ _

____“It’ll be okay, Minhyung,” He muttered to himself, the name so familiar and yet unfamiliar to himself. “You’ll be okay.”_ _ _ _

____-x-_ _ _ _

____“Good practice today,” Said Mark, grabbing a towel from his bag. “There’s a game in a week, and as long as we keep this up, we’ll do fine.” His head pounded as he talked, but he smiled._ _ _ _

____He had just been following his brother’s footsteps, he hadn’t expected to actually like basketball as much as he did (His brother still disliked him, but at least he found something he loved)._ _ _ _

____“Nice job, captain,” Donghyuck slapped him on the back with a grin. “You want to walk down to the convenience store with me? I’ll buy you ramen or something.”_ _ _ _

____“Is Renjun too busy for you?” Teased Mark._ _ _ _

____They both looked over to see Chenle screeching loudly in his native language as Renjun chased him around with a scowl. He didn’t need to know chinese to know that Chenle was getting cursed out._ _ _ _

____Donghyuck winced a little, “Isn’t he always?”_ _ _ _

____Mark laughed, before almost calling out to Renjun, “Don’t hurt him, Jisung won’t be too happy if he’s dead.” Before he realized that he wasn’t close enough with neither Renjun nor Jisung to make that joke._ _ _ _

____“He’s always so occupied with either murder, or his relationship these days. No time for me whatsoever,” Donghyuck nodded serenely as Chenle ran past the two of them. “Mina isn’t going to be mad if you ditch her for me?”_ _ _ _

____“She won’t be too upset. Hopefully,” Mark laughed. He wasn’t too worried about Mina. She needed him more for appearances than he needed her. “I’ll pay for myself. Get changed first, Hyuck.”_ _ _ _

____Lucas ran after Renjun, picking him up and holding him akin to how one would hold a cat in a burlap sack. Chenle cackled, his loud laugh echoing through the room._ _ _ _

____Donghyuck laughed, and as he stared at the way Donghyuck threw his head back, he laughed too. There wasn’t even anything funny. Donghyuck just had that aura around him, and aura he didn’t even need to bother to fake, because he was so unintentionally honest with everything he did._ _ _ _

____“I could quickly-”_ _ _ _

____Mark glanced at the girls in the stands staring at Donghyuck. “You’re not changing in here again.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s easier.”_ _ _ _

____It’s called a locker room, and usually people use it for changing, not for fucking their boyfriends in the showers, thought Mark to himself. If it was Jeno here, he would’ve made that joke with little hesitation._ _ _ _

____But he wasn’t supposed to. It was like how idols couldn’t be taken to further project their image of availability in order to let other people believe the image that they wanted them to see. He was just following the footsteps of who used to be the world’s golden child. And his humour was just kind of accidental, not crude._ _ _ _

____Mark shrugged, “Suit yourself. I’ll meet you out front in a moment.”_ _ _ _

____“I’ll be quick!”_ _ _ _

____Mark smiled as Donghyuck quickly jogged away._ _ _ _

____It took him five minutes to gather everything, and change quickly. Donghyuck waited patiently in the front._ _ _ _

____“Sorry I didn’t mean to take so long,” Said Mark apologetically._ _ _ _

____“You took a few minutes dude, don’t worry about it. Come on, I want to go try out this absolute shipwreck of a drink combination that I saw on tiktok.”_ _ _ _

____Mark had an inkling what he was talking about. “Are you sure you want me to accompany you through this uh,” He paused, unsure what to call this borderline suicidal amount of candy in one drink. “Experience.”_ _ _ _

____Donghyuck nudged him with his elbow, “If we die, we die with our stomachs full of life lessons.”_ _ _ _

____He snorted. “I’m not going to be happy if we both end up with diabetes.”_ _ _ _

____“Live a little, captain.” Donghyuck beamed, “It’s things like this that lead to permanent memories of high school. That and snorting coke off of toilet lids between classes. I’ll never forget those fun times.”_ _ _ _

____Mark always liked the crude way he talked. And the shitty jokes he cracked at two in the morning after an away game._ _ _ _

_____(Freshman year, he was lost in the middle of the large school. Orientation was a pain in his ass already._ _ _ _ _

_____“Are you lost too?” Golden skin and brown hair accented with random streaks of desaturated rainbow. He was pretty, thought Mark to himself. Even the way he moved was captivating. “Or are you looking for the body I stuffed up here?”_ _ _ _ _

_____“I’m exactly where I want to be, actually,” Said Mark jokingly, albeit a little awkwardly. “I really wanted to be in uh,” He searched for a sign of where he might be. “Some hallway.”_ _ _ _ _

_____The pretty boy laughed once again._ _ _ _ _

_____There was a time, back in sixth grade. Where he collected rare and beautiful words into his mind as one would collect stupid shit like blind bags and funko pops. They kept him company, and he wrote them on post-its on the wall._ _ _ _ _

_____Effervescent. Effervescent and limerence._ _ _ _ _

_____His heart ached. He wanted to laugh just as freely, with some random stranger. He wanted to be himself, and be loved for that._ _ _ _ _

_____“I’m just as lost,” Pretty boy smiled, and held out a hand. “Lee Donghyuck.”_ _ _ _ _

_____“Minhyung. Most people just call me Mark.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Donghyuck smiled, “This hallway should lead to the auditorium, but that’s what I said the past few times.”_ _ _ _ _

_____Just then, his phone lit up, a text from Taeyong. He had sent his brother a photo of where he stood. Mark sighed, “We’re actually on the wrong floor entirely. My brother’s on his way.”_ _ _ _ _

_____He tried to tell Taeyong he didn’t need to bother, but Taeyong had texted back a simple, “I’m coming. Just stay still please.” And he had felt like even more of a burden. Self hatred coursing through his body as he stared down at his phone. He couldn’t even get such a simple thing right._ _ _ _ _

_____Donghyuck stared at him, “How did we fuck up that badly.”_ _ _ _ _

_____The two of them stared at each other for a moment before they both burst out laughing. He didn’t feel so bad, not when Donghyuck was laughing so freely at their own stupidity._ _ _ _ _

_____And that was his first meeting with Lee Donghyuck, and a few weeks later, they both laughed as they saw each other in the gym for tryouts.) ____ _ _ _

______He stared at Donghyuck paying for the two of them and their shitty gas station purchases. Remembering the words he always brought to mind when describing Donghyuck._ _ _ _ _ _

______Effervescent, (of a liquid) giving off bubbles; fizzy or vivacious and enthusiastic._ _ _ _ _ _

______He liked being around him._ _ _ _ _ _

______-x-_ _ _ _ _ _

_______He was sixteen when he heard the news._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He was sixteen, and standing in the place one of their parents should’ve been. He was sixteen and his first thought was that his brother couldn’t have died, not like that. He picked up the phone with shaking hands, trying his best not to cry._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He listened to the lady’s reassurance, as he stared blankly into the wall._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______This wasn’t some sick joke._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“-I’ll leave the details to deal with at a later time, here’s my contact information…”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He wasn’t listening anymore. He didn’t care._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He was Mark Lee, he was supposed to be the one who remained composed at all times. He was Mark Lee, and his entire life was spent pretending to be someone actually likeable. And now, that someone didn’t know what to say._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He was that scared little kid in the closet, trying not to cry as he and Jeno shared an earbud._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Are you okay?” Asked Jisung flatly. He seemed concerned for a moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He didn’t know what to say. “I-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He stared down at his hands, everything was shaky. He couldn’t see anything, his vision blurring as he tried to compose himself. Mark was shaking. He hadn’t felt so out of control in so long. “They- they found Taeyong’s body. Suicide. He’s-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______He hung up the call, and stared at Jeno. They weren’t as close as most twins were, but in that moment, he pleaded that Jeno finish his sentence, and say what he couldn’t. He needed Jeno to finish that sentence._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______“Dead,” Finished Jeno. He didn’t know what to do either._ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Jeno rushed over and hugged him. Mark couldn’t remember the last time either of them did that. He hugged Jeno tightly, trying his best to pretend that he wasn’t crying. “Jeno, I don’t know what to do,” He muttered quietly so that Jisung couldn’t hear. “This isn’t a dream, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

_______Jeno shook his head, “Hey, it’s fine. We’ll be fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Everything is okay. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________They both knew at that moment that they had to be fine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Mark may not have loved Jisung as much as Taeyong, but he still loved his little brother. He wasn’t there for Jisung, he never was because Taeyong was always there for him. And it was enough for those two._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Taeyong wasn’t there anymore._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________The truth sank in real quick for the two of them_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________(It had to. Later on, people would go on and on about how mature the two of them were. But they shouldn’t have had to be. They were both sixteen, sixteen and in shock. The world had failed them, and they had to step up, because in that moment, no one else could. He was fucking bitter about it, and he was mad that no one else had seen just how stupid it was. It was not maturity. It was necessity)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“I’ll start making the calls,” Said Jeno, moving quickly to take the home phone from Mark and hanging it up. He pulled his cellphone from his pockets._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Mark nodded, turning to Jisung, “Jisung?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Jisung stared at him blankly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“We need to take care of his things, and tell mother and father-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“Mother’s in Europe. I’ll take care of his things if you take one for the team.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Jeno laughed sadly, “I got it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Mark shot a look at Jisung, who was just staring. He was looking, but he knew that Jisung wasn’t actually seeing anything. It was clear that Jisung didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t processing anything, at the moment, he had to keep himself productive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________The last thing Jisung needed was to see him break down._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________“What about him?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________Jeno’s hands were shaking as he looked away. “I don’t know how to help him. I don’t even know what I’m doing. This is the only thing I can do right now,” Said Jeno honestly, he looked just as panicked as Mark felt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________As he dialled a familiar number, a thought sprang to his brain._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________He felt bile rising in the back of his throat, and he forced it down. Forced himself to keep moving along._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________He was scared, and he wanted more than anything to wake up from the nightmare he was in. He was scared and he wanted nothing more than to hear that it was all a joke, and that his brother was okay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________He was so fucking scared. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

___________Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He was in the pharmacy section, eyes scanning bottles and bottles of pills._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Do you need help finding anything?” Asked the pharmacist. She was in her late thirties, she was wearing a pair of square glasses, and her hair was wavy. She wore a white lab coat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Oh um, where are the sleeping pills? I, well I just haven’t been sleeping.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I recommend these ones, it’s natural. Just vitamins basically-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Oh I tried them before,” Said Mark, lying through his teeth. “They don’t work for me. What’s the strongest thing you have here?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The lady pushed a random box towards him, “You’re still in high school, so I wouldn’t go any stronger than this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I don’t know, I’m pretty sure-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Try it first. If it doesn’t work, come back, and we’ll see about something else. But once again, you’re still a high schooler, I don’t think I’d go any stronger than that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I will! Thank you for your help, ma’am.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She smiled at him, completely unaware._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He tucked the container underneath his dresser, he didn’t know why he was so ashamed to put it anywhere else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Mina ran up to him the second practice finished. Why she even bothered to sit through an entire practice, he couldn’t understand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“You did great, baby!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He leaned back from her hug, “I’m really sweaty right now, give me a second, okay? I’ll change and we-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She pouted, “I don’t care.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I do. I’ll see you in a few minutes?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Mina pretended to think, before laughing, “I can get my kiss then, right?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He smiled thinly, “Of course.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She laughed again, “I’ll see you out front, babe.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Mark nodded, grabbing his bag and waving at her before running to the locker rooms quickly. Donghyuck stared at him quizzingly for a moment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Do you need something, Hyuck?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I can’t tell if you’re bad at showing your love, or you just don’t love her,” Said Donghyuck finally. “You smile differently when you’re happy. Like in the middle of games and shit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He stared at Donghyuck dead in the eye, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. She’s my girlfriend, of course I love her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Right. Do you usually act so lifeless with people you love?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Mark took a deep breath. If Donghyuck could see something from halfway across the court, then can everyone else see? Had the world finally realized he was a complete fake? A mockery of the legacy that Taeyong left behind him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He smiled in a way that definitely did not reach his eyes. “Donghyuck I’m not sure these are questions you ask someone. I’m tired and I want to go home. Let’s just talk about this some other time, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Donghyuck snorted, “Diplomatic as usual. We’ll take a rain check, captain. Have fun with your girlfriend.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Mark shoved his shirt over his head, and quickly put another one on. He stuffed his shirt into his bag, zipping it up and leaving. “Yeah. Have a good day, see you tomorrow!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Mina waited for him in the front, a pretty smile on her face as she turned around to face him. It felt like a scene in a drama, except he loved her as much as his brother loved him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Took you awhile, darling.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I’ll take you out to bubble tea as an apology?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She laughed, the sound of laughter had never grated on his nerves more. It was fucked up, he realized, to be with someone you hate so much. To lead someone on, someone who truly thought of you as the one. It was a fucked up thing to do, even to a friend._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Apology accepted.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________That’s when it really hit him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________Donghyuck was right. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m breaking up with Mina. I think.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno looked up, “Seriously? About damn time. What made you finally grow some fucking balls?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“She laughed at something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“She just laughed, that’s it,” Elaborated Mark. “I thought it was fucking annoying, and that’s when I realized I needed to stop doing this shit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Please, you find people annoying on a regular basis. And you’re too stuck in your head to realize how much your persona sucks in comparison to you. So what the fuck changed?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Mark shrugged, ignoring most of Jeno’s brutal honesty. Denial worked the best when paired with ignorance._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________He changed the subject, “Should I just make out with one of her friends to avoid the whole conversation. We live in a very biased patriarchy, no one would give half a shit if the news came out that I cheated on her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno barked out a disbeliefed laugh, “What the actual fuck, Mark? I know you’re a coward, but seriously? Seriously? Are you actually considering that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Mark blinked, “It’s easier than telling someone that-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I saw Ten in a cafe a while back,” Said Jeno suddenly. “He says it’s a lot harder to tell someone that you made out with their ex with borderline personality disorder than it is to tell someone you no longer want to be their friend.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Mark snorted. That sounded like a very Ten thing to do and say (He always did have a tendency to over share, along with the tendency to fuck up in the stupidest of ways)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Different thing, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Same concept, Mark.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They stared at each other for a moment before they burst out laughing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Just tell her. But maybe skip out the part about how you never loved her.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Maybe I did.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Maybe he did love the girl who was once so shy in her confession, maybe he did love the girl who dragged him out after graduation to stargaze. The girl who used to ramble about the world in such a kind way. The girl who pulled him out in the streets and danced with him until a car came._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Maybe he did love her, for a few moments. For those few moments that any other teenager would’ve called romantic, and magical._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________(No he didn’t. He had always been the same scared kid who didn’t understand love.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Hey Jeno?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Yes, shitbag?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“What’s love like.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno’s pen dropped and he swiveled around to give Mark the most deadpan stare. “How the fuck did your gremlin brain come to the conclusion that I’m the one to ask, huh? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m emotionally constipated and would rather jump out a window than face my own issues.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________(Both a lie and an exaggeration. Between fight or flight, Jeno would always choose to fight. He wouldn’t even think before his defence mechanisms kicked in.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You’re literally dating someone,” Said Mark flatly. He said someone like he wasn’t familiar with Jeno’s boyfriend in the slightest. It wasn’t like Jaemin was his friend first or anything._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“So are you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You and I both know I love her almost as much as mother loves father. So answer the question, idiot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno sighed, “Love scares me. It’s fucking terrifying because one day, they’ll stop looking at you with so much adoration, and endearing things just turn annoying. But missing out on being with someone you love so goddamn much scares me even more. Especially when I see Ten at his grave.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I know that. But what the fuck does it feel like?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Comfortable, when the butterflies fade away, and you stop being so scared of holding their hand, it feels like,” Jeno fake-gagged before he finished his sentence, “Home. It feels like home.” He said it like he too found the description of love sappy, and yet he looked so incredibly happy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Mark laughed bitterly, home. It was supposed to feel like home. “Thanks Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You asked, asshole!” Snapped Jeno, blushing in embarrassment._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Mark just nodded, staring at Jeno’s ceiling before finally asking, “So how do you think a breakup should go?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Jeno stared at him weirdly, slamming his notes down. “Mark. _Mark. _Come on. Seriously? The love thing was borderline excusable, but this? This? You think I go around breaking up with people? You think I even know what to say on a regular basis? No the fuck I don’t.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Fair enough.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Get out of my room, idiot. Go think about your breakup speech elsewhere.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mark pushed himself off of Jeno’s bed. “Thanks, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jeno responded with his middle finger._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mark couldn’t help but wonder what Taeyong would’ve answered, if he was still alive._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________(And then it hit him. He didn’t even know his brother well enough to attempt to guess what his brother would’ve said. He didn’t even know his brother’s opinion on something so relevant in life.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Donghyuck stopped by his class with a bright smile, and a bag of candy. “Hi-chew? There’s peach, Lychee and grape.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Lychee please.” He held out his hand, Donghyuck dropped a handful in his hand._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I don’t know why I even gave you a choice when they’re all mixed together. I’d sort them, but I’m not a psychopath, I can’t blink on tune to some song, and according to TikTok, that’s as good as a diagnosis,” Deadpanned Donghyuck. ”Think of it as a bonus.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mark stared at him in bewilderment as he left just as quickly as he came._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Let’s break up.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mina stared at him, “What.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Mina it’s been great, and you are still everything to me-“ Lie. That was a blatant lie. She was as useful to him as a cheese grater is to a bowl of cereal. “-But I need to start focusing on my studies. And everything happens for a reason, and maybe in a few years-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“What the fuck?!” Mina stood up from where they sat on a park bench. “What do you mean, we’re breaking up?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I still love you, but I-“ More lies. He didn’t know how to even tell her anything. When was the last time he even said the truth? “But I have a lot of things to deal with, and I just don’t have time for a relationship right now-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You never had that problem before! What’s the real reason,” Demanded Mina angrily. “Did you fall in love with someone else? Are you cheating on me or something?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He ignored the face that flashed in his mind when she mentioned love. He was going to have to pull the last resort. He blinked a few times and willed his eyes to try to form a tear._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“My brother didn’t fucking die before, Mina,” He said with a strained voice. “I just haven’t even had a long enough break to even process that, or anything at all. I tried my hardest, but I-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He deserved an Oscar for the way he acted, it was almost like he truly did love her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mina teared up a little, “Is that what you really think is the best?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I love you. Just know that. I just need time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She looked absolutely heartbroken, “We can make this work. Please. I don’t want to break up with you. I’ve loved you since I was a fucking kid, and I can’t just throw away five years. I love you enough to work through all of this with you. I-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________That’s when it occurred to him that she might’ve actually loved him. No. That she definitely loved him, while all he gave her was a relationship that he didn’t even care about. He led her on for five years, and he didn’t even give it a second thought._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mark sighed, pulling all the emotion he added to his face. “It’s not going to work Mina. Things change, and right now, I can’t do this anymore. Please just respect my decision.” The first bits of honesty in their conversation. She at least deserved that much._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mina looked at him in disbelief. “That’s it? You’re going to act like everything we had meant nothing to you? What the fuck, Mark? What the everloving fuck?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’m sorry.” And with that, he left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re an asshole!” Called Mina from behind him. She stood in the park and watched him leave._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________That night, he took out a cigarette that someone handed him amidst some random shitty high school party. The news had already spread like wildfire, and people were already comforting him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He almost broke character to scowl at all of them._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________(He missed Jeno. His brother would’ve gladly told them all to fuck off, and then scolded him in private about being so stuck in the stupid persona he created for the world to see)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He climbed onto the rooftop, a setting his dead brother was so goddamn fond of, and smoked it in solace._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He always liked the smell of nicotine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He scaled down the house’s sides afterwards, and didn’t return to the party._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He called Ten as he walked home, completely sober this time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Hey Mark.” Ten sounded like he hadn’t bothered sleeping yet. Mark didn’t bother to wonder why the hell he wasn’t sleeping at this hour._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Hey. Can I have my answer now?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“It’s less complicated than you think,” Ten sighed. “Do you ever meet someone who reminds yourself so much of you? The more you hate yourself, the more you can’t stand them. You were just like him as a kid. You were so nice and naive, and I’m not excusing what he did, but he avoided being around you for his own reasons.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“That’s not an excuse,” Said Mark flatly, keeping his voice calm even though all he wanted to do was cry. It still hurt to talk about who Taeyong really was underneath all that bravado and perfect reputation. “I was a kid and it fucking hurts to know your brother never loved you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“People forget he was also a kid,” Said Ten tiredly. “He was just as much a kid as you were, Mark. You can hate him all you want knowing this, but he was a fucking kid, and he wasn’t supposed to know how to deal with shit like this. He was supposed to have a childhood, not spend it learning how to fucking parent. He wasn’t supposed to have these all expectations, nor was he ever supposed to apologize for being just as human as everyone else!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He was silent after Ten’s mini outburst. He knew all that just as well as everyone close to Taeyong. That despite the world forcing perfection upon him, he was human, and he fucked up just as much as everyone else._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Did everything I do make him hate me more?” Asked Mark finally. He stared up at the sky, tracing them all like it was a giant game of connect-the-dots. He always liked the stars._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________(He used to always wish on the first one he saw, like a naive kid. For years straight, all he wished for was to be perfect. On 11:11, wishing wells and fountains, the first stars he saw. It never came true, and he gave up on wishes eventually._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________They were as real as God and Santa Claus)._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“He loved you. You know that. He just hated how alike you were to him. Maybe he could have dealt with it better, but it doesn’t change the fact he irrevocably hurt you.” Ten sighed once again. “He was proud of you though, and scared that you’d end up just like him.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mark almost laughed bitterly at the irony of it all. “Good night Ten, thank you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Good night, Minhyung.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It was a ‘buy-a-whole-cake-and-shovel-mouthfuls-into-your-mouth-while-crying-hysterically’ type of day, thought Mark as a shoved yet another forkful of, he glanced at the label on the box ‘strawberry buttermilk cake’. He wasn’t crying yet, but he was sure it was a matter of time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He was newly single, and he had just hurt someone because of his own cowardice. Fuck, he didn’t even care about the newly single part, he was just eating his feelings of complete and utter guilt away._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________He ate another giant mouthful just as Jeno walked by his room. They made brief eye-contact before Jeno slowly backed away. Mark shrugged and ate another forkful. Jeno returned a few minutes later with a fork of his own, and no words were exchanged between the two of them as they ate cake in solidarity._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________A few minutes later, Jisung walked past and stared at the two of them as they ate cake straight from the box._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Want cake?” Asked Jeno finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jisung blinked. “What flavour.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jeno grabbed the box, searching for the label, “Strawberry buttermilk cake.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jisung shrugged, before he too, came back with a fork of his own._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It was a few more moments of silence before Jeno spoke up, “Why the fuck did you buy a sheet cake meant to feed thirty?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Shut up and eat the fucking cake, Jeno.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jisung let out an unattractive snort, muttering, “I think the question is how the fuck he managed to eat half of it on his own.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Mark scowled, “Et tu, Jisung?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Jeno laughed, while Jisung cracked a tiny smile. None of them bothered to mention that this was the first meal they had together since Taeyong’s death._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________Hiraeth is a Welsh word for longing or nostalgia, an earnest longing or desire, or a sense of regret. The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists or never was. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________A pretty word for such a fucking ugly feeling._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Heard the news,” Said Donghyuck flatly after practice. “I didn’t mean to-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“It wasn’t your fault,” Said Mark, standing up to stretch before he grabbed his bag. “Want to go grab bubble tea or something? I’ll treat you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Donghyuck glanced to Renjun, who seemed too busy whispering to Lucas in a hushed tone. “Not like I have any other takers these days.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________They walked down in silence, Donghyuck with his earbuds in and Mark just staring ahead. He ordered for the two of them with a smile, handing Donghyuck his chocolate milk tea with pearls before sitting down besides him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I never did love her,” Said Mark flatly. “Tell anyone, and I won’t hesitate to make the rest of your school year fucking miserable.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Donghyuck bursted out laughing. He took a sip of his milk tea before cackling once again. “I owe Renjun five bucks. You’re as two-faced as they come.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Mark blinked, “What.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Renjun says that you’re not trustworthy at all, because there’s no way someone could be so nice all the time. He was all like, he’s either a serious asshole, or he’s just got a really fucked up back story.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“What did you bet?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I said you were going to get seriously hurt one day, because reality is full of shit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“My brother hates me. He tried avoiding me all the time as a kid because I reminded him so much of himself, so I spent my life trying to be more like him because I’m a dumb fucking kid who didn’t know just why he hated me so much. Jokes on me, I only made him hate me more.” Mark laughed bitterly. “I only just found that out last night.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Donghyuck sighed, “I take it he wasn’t the best brother then. Who would’ve guessed, all the Lee children are as fucked as the men who still think they’re the superior gender.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Understatement of the year, we’re more fucked than that, we’ve actually reached the level of as fucked at the thirty year old incels playing computer games in their mother’s basements because they can’t get a job.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Donghyuck laughed, “Oddly specific, Mark. And since you’re sharing your life story, you want to hear my issues?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________It was four in the afternoon, and these honest conversations were meant for another time, but he nodded anyway. He hadn’t ever had an honest conversation in so long, at least not one that was sober, and one where he didn’t lie through his teeth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“Sure.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“My best friend keeps choosing his relationship over and over again. And it fucking hurts every time he cancels plans for Lucas. It’s like I was just a placeholder for someone else.” Donghyuck pushed around his straw, trying to grab the last bits of boba, “He doesn’t have any time for me. My other friends are closer with each other, and I can’t hang out with them. And even Yeri’s way too busy for me, the school musical is taking up all her time, and I’m sick of always being the one to text her first. I’m just the third choice at this point.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“I hope you’re not expecting any advice from me,” Said Mark dryly. “I can’t remember the last time I had to deal with my own problems.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________He didn’t need to, not when he meticulously thought out everything. Whenever someone else went to him for help, it was never for any issue as genuine as this. He was just the nice kid in your class, not someone you trusted enough to ask for advice from._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________“ _The _Mark Lee has no advice for me? What a fucking surprise.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“This feels like a conversation to be had over a bottle of vodka, not bubble tea,” Mark finished the rest of his matcha milk tea, throwing it into the trash. “Want to get absolutely fucked with me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Donghyuck laughed, and answered without any hesitation “Absolutely.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________(He stumbled home a few hours later, way too drunk for nine in the evening. He laughed to himself, still high off of adrenaline and drunk off of god knows what. He woke up the next morning on his bathroom floor with a pounding headache and the feeling of relief.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Have you heard, Mark and Mina broke up?” Asked some girl behind him. Clearly, if she was behind him, she would be out of earshot despite the fact she was a meter away. It was like people forgot that they were in a public place, half the goddamn class could hear her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Seriously?” Said a high pitched voice belonging to a girl standing near the window. “I thought they were the dream couple who never fought.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Apparently it was more like taking a break than totally over. Somi said they’d probably be back together in a few months, you know?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I mean a lot of people are like hoping to finally have a chance with him,” Girl number two giggled. “I heard that Yeri wanted to ask him out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark almost scoffed. Yeri was a popular theatre kid who was really really ‘close’ friends with Sooyoung. He had more chances winning the lottery than Yeri of all people asking him out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Seriously? She’s so fucking pretty, there’s no way anyone else has a chance-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“God, he’s sitting right in front of you assholes, he has ears,” Snapped Jeno from his corner. “Can you two shut the fuck up? It’s not like any of you had a goddamn chance to begin with.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark had never been more thankful for his twin._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“What the fuck-“_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark sighed, and turned around with his most diplomatic smile, “Let’s not be pissed at my brother for pointing out the truth, shall we? My love life isn’t exactly something I want to hear discussed.” He paused, considering his next words for a moment before he realized he didn’t care. “And neither of you are my type, but thank you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________The girl spluttered, her friend looked away like she hadn’t even been a part of the conversation. Jeno looked over at him in mild surprise, Jaemin beamed at him. It wasn’t until then that he realized that this was the first time he really stepped in, especially for a matter that concerned himself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Mark Lee finally grew a fucking backbone,” Deadpanned Jeno, standing up and grabbing Jaemin. “Come on, let’s go celebrate with some vending machine drinks or something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He stopped as he reached the door, looking back and gesturing for Mark to stand up, “Celebration’s for you. Get your ass over here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark laughed, pushing his chair back and following his brother. He didn’t know why Jeno was acting particularly different, but at that moment he didn’t care. He followed his brother out. The whispers followed him as he shut the classroom door behind him, but he was high off of god knows what adrenaline, and he didn’t care._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark stared up at his ceiling as he replayed the conversation in his mind, over and over again. He’s already ruined everything by breaking up with Mina, did he really have to make his reputation any worse. What if everyone hates him now? Why does anyone even want to ask him out? Why does anyone even like him?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He turned to stare at his wall as self hatred rose to his head just as quickly as bile hit the back of his throat. Was it even possible to hate everything about yourself?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________It was raining._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He forgot an umbrella, he stood completely drenched in front of a headstone that meant nothing to him. Why would it when the person buried was long dead?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“The worst part is that I loved you,” Said Mark finally. “I loved you so fucking much, I followed your footsteps because I thought you would like me better. Or at least just like me a little. I kept wanting you approval, I didn’t even realize that you’re so fucking traumatized, and I was so fucking naive to think otherwise.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He paused as if to wait for a response. He laughed bitterly, it wasn’t like he’d ever get an answer, not from Taeyong._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I thought if I was more like you, I’d finally earn your attention, or respect. Just something from you, you know? Now I just feel stupid. I’m an idiot for believing in you so much, and placing you on the same goddamn pedestal the world forced onto you._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“And I’m sorry I was never someone you could love. I’m sorry for trying to get the only parental figure in my life’s approval. And I’m sorry you never learnt how to deal with your shit. Fuck you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He flipped off his brother’s headstone before he left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Nice game everyone,” Said Mark as they all packed up in the locker room. “I’ll save you guys the lectures for tomorrow, I know we’re all tired.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________He heard a few tired cheers from around the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“If anyone needs a ride, tell the coach now. That’ll be all. Have a good night everyone!” He glanced at Donghyuck as soon as everyone started dispersing. “Hey.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Donghyuck grabbed his bag, and then Mark’s. “Let’s go. You’re treating me to hotpot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I did better than you this game.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“I’m carrying your bag, arguably the more important thing. And also, last time I checked, I scored way more than you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Overall, Hyuck. Scoring isn’t everything, you know?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Donghyuck shrugged, “Fine. Eat dinner on your own. See if I care.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark laughed, knowing fully well that he wasn’t serious. “Fine, fine. But if I’m paying both soup bases better be the not-spicy ones.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Sounds like the words of a loser with zero spice tolerance. But I guess it's a deal, but only because I pity you and your poor taste buds.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Not everyone chugged sriracha sauce as children.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Not everyone had tastes as vanilla as their fucking sex lives,” Retorted Donghyuck._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Mark laughed, and followed Donghyuck out of the gymnasium and out into the streets. The sun was about to set soon, he noted. That, and the fact that Donghyuck looked really pretty during golden hour._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Donghyuck looked back for a moment, “Haidilao?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________“Is that even a question?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________________Donghyuck laughed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_____________________Home. It felt like home. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He dialled his brother’s number, and held the phone to his ear as he waited to go to voicemail. He didn’t know who was still paying his brother’s phone bill until now, but inevitably someone missed and loved him enough to spend the money every month._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Hey,” His brother’s voice sounded through his ear. “You’ve reached my voicemail. Don’t leave a message, just text me or something.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He used to leave long messages, sometimes sober as hell, and other times as sober as the alcoholic man living on the fifth floor whose kids no longer visited. But now, he hung up before the tone could even sound._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He was drunk and high off their victory, and the adrenaline that came from being awake at two in the morning. He was drunk when he kissed Donghyuck on the rooftops, above a raging house party that he couldn’t care less about._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Donghyuck kissed him back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________He was just as drunk when he pushed him away, “We can’t do this.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________This was the first person he really liked, and the first person he really wanted to kiss. And he was scared like he had never been with Mina. He was so goddamn scared._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Donghyuck scoffed, laughing bitterly, “What the fuck, Mark? You kissed me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I can’t. People are going to talk.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“Who the fuck cares? Who are you living for, Mark? People or yourself?!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Mark didn’t answer him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“You know what? Fuck you, Mark Lee.” Donghyuck relished in his shock. “No one’s ever fucking told you that before, right? Yeah well, congratulations, asshole, I’ll be your first. You’re an insecure little boy who can’t even love themselves for who they are. You pretend to be this person you’re not, and behind that somewhat likeable people pleasing persona that you have going on? You have absolutely nothing.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________“I-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Donghyuck laughed, “No. You don’t have anything. You spent so many goddamn years hiding in your own bullshit that you don’t even know yourself anymore. You may be the golden child to everyone else, but to me you’re an insecure prick standing on a pedestal of someone you’re not.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________________Mark always thought before he said anything, made sure his responses were rehearsed in a way to make people not hate him. But right now, right now his mind was completely blank and all he could think was, _He was completely right. _____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“But you know what makes this so much worse? Those moments where you stop pretending, even for a moment, and the real Mark? He’s a good person. He’s funny in a completely different way. He’s genuine and that person? The one who pulled me aside after practice to talk about our life problems before we got fucking blackout wasted? That’s the one I like.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“...You like me?” Asked Mark quietly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“That’s the part you catch onto? Seriously Mark?” Donghyuck laughed in disbelief._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Mark took a deep breath, “I already knew everything else.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Donghyuck stared at him, “And yet, with your 4.0 GPA, you still needed someone to point that out.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“My family is great at denial, stems from my childhood,” He said flatly. Jisung denied someone’s death for months, Jeno denied his feelings on a constant basis, and he constantly pretended things were okay for his own sake. His parents were a whole other story._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Donghyuck laughed, before he sobered up quickly and said, “I want whatever this is. Whatever we have. So tell me now if you’re too much of a fucking coward.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“I’m a coward, Hyuck. We both knew that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“So? You can change anytime. Become someone that you can actually love.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“You say that like it’s easy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“It’s a simple concept, Mark. Human nature is just really fucking shitty. So what do you say? Do you want to at least try?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Mark was drunk, and high off kissing the boy he liked for god knows how long. He was drunk when he nodded, and kissed the boy he liked again. “Fuck the world.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Donghyuck laughed giddily, “Fuck the world.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He walked through the hallways, his earbuds in, and Coldplay blasting loudly. He didn’t want to hear what they were saying about him. The news had spread through school like wildfire._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________(And a part of him deep, deep down had finally stopped caring. A part of him that was finally happy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________The other part of him was fucking terrified. But he paid it no mind.)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He stood in front of his brother’s headstone once again. A bouquet of sunflowers in his hand. “I’m sorry I was so mean last time.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He placed it down, before straightening up again. There were only a few things left to say, he didn’t need to bother to sit down like Jisung and Jeno. “I love you, hyung.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________And with that, he left._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He had nothing more he really had to say, he was a scared kid who missed his brother. But neither of them were close when he was alive. There was no point in pretending to a dead man, for his own selfish need for closure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He sighed as he walked into the art room. His brother used to frequent it, while he still went to their school. Ten used to have his little corner, his art was the most breathtaking thing Mark ever saw. A few of his paintings still lingered around, used as examples by the art teachers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Mina sat by her easel, it held a canvas with nothing but a giant red streak through the center. Abstract art had its own charm, he supposed. “I didn’t think you would come.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“I wasn’t going to.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“You lied to me Mark. You know how much I fucking hate liars.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Mark sighed, “I did.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Why did you even come here?” She demanded finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Closure? You deserved at least that much.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Don’t even act like you have any semblance of respect for me when you don’t. I don’t know how the fuck you did it. Like it was absolutely nothing to you. Were you cheating on me?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________He shook his head._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“Are you lying?” Asked Mina flatly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“God, Mina, I wouldn’t have bothered coming if all I wanted to tell you were sweet nothings,” Snapped Mark finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“You lied about plenty before, Mark. I was just a fool who didn’t realize it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________“I was also a pretty good liar,” Muttered Mark underneath his breath. Jeno would’ve found amusement in his joke. Unfortunately Mina was most definitely not Jeno._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________________Mina scoffed, “Unbelievable. You’re so full of shit.” She stared at him in annoyance, and for a moment, he could see the twelve year old who pushed her friends in annoyance as they made kissing noises at him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________________________She couldn’t meet his eyes when she muttered, “I like-like you, Mark.” ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I’m sorry I lied,” Said Mark finally._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I don’t forgive you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I don’t forgive me either.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“You don’t deserve to. Not for making me think that I had a fucking future with you, not when I loved you more than I loved myself sometimes. And the only thing keeping me alive was the fact that you fucking loved me,” Spat Mina bitterly. “You could’ve said no that day. You could’ve said no any time. But for five goddamn years straight, you didn’t.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I’m sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Sorry isn’t going to do jackshit.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“The sentiment is still there?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“The sentiment will comfort me through the fact that the boy I thought I would marry one day broke up with me after five fucking years, and then I get the news that he’s dating someone not even a month after our breakup.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________He didn’t know what else to say. He had nothing else to say but apologies that he only sometimes meant._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“But you know what? For what it’s worth, you seem happier with him. It’s so much easier to tell when you’re lying, now that I see what you’re genuinely like.” Mina sighed, “It hurts that I’m not that person for you, and I want to fucking slap you for making me think that I could’ve been. So what changed? When did you realize that you didn’t love me anymore.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I’m seventeen, almost eighteen. You think I know what love is?” Was what he wanted to ask. But he didn’t. Instead all he said was, “I don’t know.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“You owe me at least that much, shitbag. I’m a hell lot more observant than you give me credit for, and despite what you think, I know you. You constantly idolize your brother, and you never say what you actually mean because you’re so worried about what other people think of you. There’s a hell lot more, but right now, I want an honest answer.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I honestly can’t tell you, Mina.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“What’s so different about him?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I also don’t know that answer to that one.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Mina huffed, “You’re full of shit, Mark. Get out if you’re not going to say anything that isn’t ‘I don’t know.’ Just get out of my sight, idiot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________He sighed, and turned to leave, looking back only once to say, “For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry, Mina.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Your sorry means nothing to me,” Said Mina coldly just before he went out of earshot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Why were you so nice to me?” He asked Donghyuck suddenly one night, while he laid next to him, entangled in his sheets._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Donghyuck groggily turned to face him, “What if I was asleep, asshole? What would you have done, huh?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Good thing you’re not? Now answer my question.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Donghyuck sighed, “I was worried about you, worried and I was feeling lonely myself. I guess it all worked out in the end, right? But you ask me anything that involves any sort of thinking, and that sentiment will die. It’s one in the fucking morning, Mark.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Perfect time for these conversations,” Mark yawned. “What do you mean, you were worried?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“No one copes that well with death, and grief. I thought you needed a friend. You didn’t seem like you had any that really cared about you, to be honest,” Answered Donghyuck frankly. He yawned. “Anything else?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Mark didn’t know what to say. He often didn’t, not with Donghyuck. And he liked that feeling. “Thank you, I guess.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Donghyuck scoffed, “Is that all you wanted to ask me? Because I’m going back to sleep, idiot. Good night.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Mark smiled, “Good night.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“I’m ordering Chinese,” Said Jisung carefully from his doorway. He was staring straight at the ground as he talked. “What do you want?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Which place?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Some place Chenle claims is the most authentic. What do you want.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Chicken. The marinated one?” He was never good with the names, he would avoid saying the names to avoid mispronunciation._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Jisung stared, “I’ll text you when it comes.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Thanks, Sungie.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________It took a few seconds for the two of them to realize the nickname use. Jisung blinked at him in surprise. He swallowed before muttering, “You’re welcome, hyung.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________And that was that. Jisung didn’t correct him, nor scream about how it was Taeyong’s nickname. All of it just felt a little like a step forward in the right direction._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Jisung texted him twenty minutes later, and neither of them acknowledged anything changed. Except there was a small smile of Jisung’s face, and that night, the three of them sat at the dining table._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Taeyong used to sit at the head when their parents weren’t home, and Jeno and Jisung sat on each side. Mark sat on Jeno's other side, and as kids they used to eat what they both liked, leaving each other’s favourite out in their plates. When no one was looking they would swap plates._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________And now, Taeyong’s seat remained empty. It didn’t feel like a painful reminder, not like it used to._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Jeno was the first one to break the silence. He was never good at being patient, nor was he good at staying silent, “Did you know that cannibalism is technically legal? You can ask for your own amputated limbs, and there’s no law prohibiting eating them.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Mark snorted. Typical Jeno, head full of facts that the world typically had no need for, and yet he still remembered. It made for a lot of strange conversation openers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“They fixed that loophole, actually,” Said Jisung flatly without any reaction. It was almost as if the two of them were talking about the weather._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Jeno sighed jokingly, “I guess I’ll find another way of ticking that off my bucket list. What a tragedy.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Does your bucket list demand the human meat be legally or ethically sourced?” Asked Mark sarcastically. “Free range and grass fed, GMO free? Organic?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Free range is a scam. Just cage the entirety of the human population already,” Deadpanned Jisung._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“China’s got that part covered,” Muttered Mark despite the politically incorrectness of it all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________There was silence before they all burst out laughing at the pure ridiculousness of it all. It felt strangely normal and somewhat familiar. It’s been such a long time since they all talked like this._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Mark barely managed to stop laughing, and he looked around the table with a small, content smile. This was home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________-x-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Mark crawled underneath his dresser and fished out the bottle of pills. He opened the bottle and dumped the pills into the toilet and flushed it without a second thought. He pulled his phone out as he left the bathroom, replying to Donghyuck’s text as quickly as he could._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________He smiled to himself as Jisung stuck his head into his room, “Lele and I are getting food. Join us before he eats everything.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________He heard an indignant “hey!” From behind Jisung._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________“Coming!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________________Everything was going to be okay._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, second last installment of SIGB!!
> 
> This one was significantly more romance focused, and if it wasn't clear, Mark liked DH since the beginning of high school. He's just love-starved lol. Mina and DH are both very observant, but Mina is just more in denial and less blunt. Other things that aren't very clear - Mark is gradually caring less about what the world thinks of him, and he's not trying so desperately to be his brother anymore. 
> 
> And as for TY, he is not a perfect parent figure in the slightest, because he was never supposed to be a parent figure, and he made mistakes because he was still a kid. 
> 
> Linear-wise, this is after SIGB 1 (SIGB 2 is before and during SIGB 1)
> 
> If you're feeling unsafe and shit, please don't hesitate to text your friends and family. You are not a bother, and they would rather a few texts from you, than a phone call that you're in the hospital for suicide. 
> 
> Stay safe!
> 
> [twitter](http://twitter.com/myyueliang)


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